When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
You can't motorboat a personality
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
