you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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