Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
im about as happy as oj after his trial
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
My balls are so social today.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
