somebody snuck up and got me drunk
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
