theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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