nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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