Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
We're too hungover to prance.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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