Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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