I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
