morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I think I just shit out all my problems.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
