dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
