i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
