My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
