My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
