Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
he high fived his dick after we had sex
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
