if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I love how my cats smell like pot.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
