It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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