he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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