sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize