closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
