im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
