Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
time to smoke my breakfast
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Randomize
