can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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