She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
