I'm so fucking centered right now
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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