I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
