Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
