I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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