the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
