My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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