3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
