about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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