yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
