I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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