On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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