if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
