I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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