Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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