I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
