So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
