i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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