Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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