Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
