I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You have to summon your inner elephant
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
