I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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