I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
