If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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