mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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