I wish I could teleport
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
