Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
