Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
