do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
