he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
