So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
