Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize