I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
