Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
