I showed him my bush... on skype.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
