I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
