I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
