Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
literally had 100 drinks last night.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
