I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
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